Six months later, life goes on

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It's been six months and two days since Marya passed away. Life has changed a lot for me, some of it good and some bad. I find that each passing day has it's challenges and I'm often overcome by the sheer magnitude of my loss. I'm not certain of whom I can turn to for support and help.

You see, I don't want to burden my friends with my problems; they've got enough problems of their own, and I don't feel comfortable adding to their load. Besides, with some of them, I'm not sure of how much leeway I have. Perhaps they are tired of my woes, and just wish I would "get on with it". I don't know. I do know that some of my friends have begun to avoid me. I wish I could bring them back, but all I do is chase them further away. For what it's worth, I haven't heard anything from my relatives, and I have to make all the phone calls.

On the other hand, I've tried "professional help", which was no help at all. Doctors that want to see a pharmocological opportunity with every symptom, and the more symptoms, the more prescriptions they can write and the happier they are. Social workers that think that the best help that they can give me is to tell me to "do it myself". Psychologists who don't have time this month, or next month, but will see me as soon as their schedules permit, if I'm not "better" by then.

Work is... work. It is boring, troubling, overwhelming, uninteresting, and dull. There's nothing there that needs me, no task that is mine. There's just work to be done, and I'm just another body to do the work. No rewards and no interests.

I come home to an empty house, make my meager dinner, and go to bed. No one to talk to, no one to care about. No one.

So, what's good about my life?

Well, I'm taking flying lessons. We'll see how that works out; I have 15 weeks of "ground school" to take (3 hours per week, Saturday mornings), and at least 45 hours of flying time to do. I'm told that, while the minimum is 45 hours, most students need 70 hours or so before they can get their licence. It's a costly and time consuming hobby, but it will get me out of the house, and is something completely different from what I normally do. In a year or two, I should have my Private Pilot's licence (if all goes well), and I'll be able to fly passengers around.

For my vacation in December, I am going on a two week Caribbean cruise. Marya didn't like cruising, but I don't mind it, and I'm going to need to get away at Christmas this year. I figured that a cruise would be better for me than a stay at a resort; there's more opportunity to socialize on a cruise because there's no escaping your shipmates. You have to have at least one meal with a fixed set of people each day, and that's enough to keep me from dwelling on my losses.

As for work, with insurances and all, I've got enough of a "nest egg" to get a small income without sacrificing any of the principle. In January, I'll have worked for TD for 30 years, and while I won't be eligible for retirement for another 14 years, I think I can cut back my work hours. My plan is to shift to a "part time" 4-day-a-week work schedule in early January. I should have about the same income as before, but work one day less per week. I don't have any immediate plans for what I'll do on my "day off", but I might use it to cover some of the flying lessons and such. In any case, I won't be working on those days, and that in itself will be a relief.

I've got most of my Christmas shopping done, like Marya would have by this time. Part of it is by necessity; I'm going to truck gifts to Windsor in November, so I have to have those gifts ready for then. My niece and nephews won't get the usual gifts this year as I don't have the same flair for selection as Marya did. But, I'm doing what I can, and they won't be disappointed with what they get. I'll also give small gifts to Marya's parents, and her two sisters. It wouldn't feel right leaving them out.

I've taken up writing, a bit. I'm writing a "course" for the Linux User Group I belong to, and I'm trying to complete the 2nd half of a two-part article. I've done a little bit of review work, and hope to do more in the next few months.

Anyway, that's my life these days. Thanks for listening.